A Lack of Color
by coverears
Summary: Present Day AU. Set in London/New York. Mary and Matthew struggle to accept choices made in the past and lives lived separately.
1. Chapter 1

"Mary, hurry up. You're going to be late!" Mary woke with a start, peeling the textbook page off her cheek and squinting at the sun peering in through the kitchen window of she and her best friend Anna's flat.

She runs a hand through her hair with an exhausted groan as she stands, beginning to pick up the drained tea bags and candy bar wrappers that are scattered across the long table.

"No time for that – have you even looked at the time?" Anna scolds, as she takes the empty teacup from Mary's hands and turns her around. "Go, get dressed. Your psych final is in 20 minutes and I did not spend three days watching you survive on caffeine and sugar for you to miss it."

"Shit." Mary yells behind her as she runs into her bedroom, grabbing the first pair of jeans she finds on the floor and a t-shirt from her dresser. She throws on a coat that's been slung across her bed, reminding herself to take better care of her clothes when she heads back to Downton to visit next month Her mother would kill her if she knew how little care she took of such an immaculate (read: expensive) wardrobe. She throws her hair into a messy ponytail, grabs her bag and is out the door to class.

* * *

Across an ocean, the ring of his cell phone interrupts Matthew's morning routine of the day's edition of the New York Times and a somewhat-tolerable cup of tea. Looking at the caller ID, he smiles slightly and waits a beat before answering.

"Well well, so you are alive, then." He teases.

"Don't start with me. I've had about 75 cups of coffee and 2 hours of sleep in three days." Mary snaps, half-heartedly. "Sorry. I'm exhausted." He lets it go.

"I've been quite buried myself. Took my last exam last night, thankfully." He says empathetically as he takes a gulp of his tea. He winces a little at the bitterness. "Are you done then?"

"Yes. Now I plan to sleep for the next three days and awake just in time for the party." Mary says, as she shuffles to hail a taxi back to her apartment from campus. Walking seems too daunting a task today.

"Ahh yes. Someone has a birthday coming up, I vaguely remember." Matthew mocks.

"As if you'd forgotten after all these years."

"As if you'd ever let me forget."

"Never." She smiles, and waits before ending the call. "I must go – hailing a taxi is proving to be more difficult than expected."

"Don't they know who you are?" Matthew laughs, envisioning her hailing a taxi rather than waiting for her practically armored car to pick her up when she called.

"Few do, Matthew. Few do. We will talk soon."

He holds the phone mid-air for a moment before he hears the dial tone. He turns back to his paper, finding it hard to focus.

* * *

"Did you invite him to the party?" Anna asks, handing a pile of clean plates to Mary to put away. After a long nap, they decided to make a good meal and split a bottle of wine to celebrate the end of a long semester. They were close to the end – only one more year left – and victory was so close they could taste it.

"I've mentioned it several times to him. Matthew's never needed a formal invitation. He knows that." She responds, shaking her head. "Anyways, he's in America. It's not as easy as it used to be." Anna senses the sadness in her voice, knows how hard it is for her to talk about him. How hard it is to miss something for so long.

"It was never easy with you two. You always found a way to make it immensely complicated." Daggers shot from Mary's eyes, urging Anna to change the subject. "Sybil is coming, and Edith."

"Oh, great. Edith. I'm sure she'll relish the opportunity to embellish how I'm single and she's engaged to be married. I can hear it." Anna giggles, knowing Mary exaggerates, but fully expecting to hear the words from Edith soon after her arrival. "I am so excited to see Sybil though."

Of all her family, Mary misses Sybil the most. When Sybil left Downton two years ago and moved to Ireland with the Peace Corps, Mary was the only one who supported her. They always had a bond that neither shared with Edith – Mary loved Sybil as not only a sister, but a best friend. But now, the letters get scarce and the phone calls even scarcer. Mary forgives it, as she knows Sybil is on a quest to quite possibly save the entire world one day.

"They will both be on their best behavior, I'm sure of it. It's not everyday their big sister turns 21." Anna replies with a quick nudge and she walks past to the living room. "Bates said that Steven is planning on coming."

Steven. Mary's more off-again than on-again conquest. He adores the ground that she walks on and Mary can't say she's ever said the same. It feels nice to be with him, in a way that can only be described as comfortable. But it's never been passionate or lustful or needy in a way that she felt with…it doesn't matter. Steven's here and he wants her and he's of decent breeding. Both of his parents are doctors; he's in med school. He could certainly fit into the mold he would need to in order to become her husband. She shudders at the idea of marrying him. The sting of guilt that comes with leading someone on for the sake of pacifying your own insecurity.

"Well, that will be quite the group then. I can't wait." Mary smiles as she heads to her bedroom. "Night".

"Mary," Anna calls as she walks past. "He would come if you asked him to."

"That's the thing, Anna. I'm tired of asking things of him." Anna's eyes close as Mary's bedroom door shuts.

* * *

"My flight leaves at 2:00 tomorrow, Matt. Are you sure you don't want to make a surprise appearance?" Bates asks his best friend as he begins to pack his suitcase. Matthew sits in a chair on the other side of the room, drinking a beer.

"Laura would make me rue the day and you know it." He laughs, taking a swig and rolling his eyes.

"What else is new?" Bates deadpans, counting undershirts and putting them into his case.

"Alright, alright. I know how you feel about it. No need to rehash." He responds as he stands, using the wall as a crutch after three too many.

"I just think you could do better."

"And by that you mean Mary."

"I just think there's unfinished business there." Bates says, closing his suitcase and walking past Matthew out of the room and into the kitchen. He grabs another drink for both of them. Matthew waves it away, knowing he's had enough.

"Maybe there is, I don't know. But she said that if I was going to America, it was going to be without her. And I made a choice."

"And do you regret that?" Bates' question lingers in the air for too long. Matthew drains his bottle and puts it in the sink, turning to rest against it in silence. Bates continues.

"Do you regret it?" After a few minutes of silence and staring into thin air, Matthew answers in nearly a whisper.

"It doesn't matter, Bates. None of it matters." They are both snapped back to the present by Matthew's phone vibrating on the cold counter.

"Laura, darling. Hi…"

* * *

"Well, what does that even mean, John?" Anna asks emphatically, as she sifts through birthday decorations at the party store.

"I don't know, dear. He's stubborn, she's stubborn. I don't know what to say anymore." Bates says, shaking his head as he waits at his gate to depart for London.

"It's more than that. He asked her to go with him and she turned him down. She asked him to stay and he went. They're hurt."

"It's been two years, Anna. They've grown up. They aren't kids anymore. We can't fix it for them."

Anna points to a set of balloons on the store wall, as the employee pulls them down and blows them up.

"Just leave it be, Anna." With a sigh, Anna resigns.

"Fine. But I can't promise I won't have an ulcer before this party is all said and done."

* * *

Mary wakes up early on her 21st birthday to the buzzing of her cellphone on its charger on her nightstand. She rolls over and is greeted by several text messages and four missed calls, two voicemails – from Sybil and her grandmother. Most of her friends have already texted her their birthday wishes and how excited they are for her party that evening.

She scrolls through the messages before getting out of bed. She puts on her robe, knowing that Bates would be up and around the flat.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" Mary jumps three feet in the air before Anna rushes at her, grabbing her in a bear hug and a kiss on the cheek. Mary sees her favorite breakfast pastries, balloons and flowers on the table.

"Anna! You shouldn't have." Mary proclaims as she makes a beeline toward the croissants on the table.

"Well, the pastries and balloons I can take credit for. The flowers, however, I cannot." Anna places a hand on Mary's shoulder as she leaves the room to change. Mary sits at the kitchen table and takes the card from the flowers as she pours herself some juice.

She scans to the bottom of the card and can't help but feel disappointed.

Mary –

Happy birthday, beautiful. I can't wait to see you tonight.

Love,

Steven

She folds the card up and puts it back in the arrangement and finishes her pastry as she looks out the window.

* * *

"Matthew, get in the cab right now!" Matthew hears Laura's piercing yell through the cold New York air and wants to run the other direction. "You are drunk. Get in the car and let's go." She gets out of the cab and grabs his jacket, pulling him toward the car.

They went out that night to celebrate the end of the semester with a few friends and things got out of hand. Shot after shot after shot led to shot after shot after shot and soon enough, he ended up like this. Sad, drunk and wanting to be somewhere else completely.

"Lemme go, Laura!" He slurs, putting her into the cab and closing its door, pounding the trunk signaling the driver to take off. He does, and Matthew sees Laura's face as she drives away. As angry as it's ever been. He doesn't remember why he ever loved her. Wondered if he ever did at all.

He wanders for a few minutes and saddles himself to a park bench. Head in his hands, he doesn't know if he wants to cry or sleep or vomit. Too many nights have ended like this. Too many nights he hates it. He looks at his phone and holds it close to his face as all the words blend together. He searches for her name, and finds it in his recent calls.

* * *

Mary steps out of the shower and wraps her hair in a towel as she hears her phone ring in the other room. She sees his name and mentally checks the time in America before she answers. She knows what it means when he calls at this time.

"Matthew." She says, breathlessly, concerned.

"Birthday girl. My birthday girl." He says, quiet and sad.

"Hi, Matthew. Are you okay?" She sits down on the edge of her bed, wrapped in her towel.

"Of course I am. I'm always okay." He says, faking a laugh and a smile. "It's your birthday. It's the best day."

She smiles and wishes it wasn't like this.

"Where are you? It sounds windy."

"I'm on a park bench." He replies, his voice sing-song.

"A park bench? Matthew, go…"

"Stop it. I'm fine. I wanted to call you. I wanted to talk to you on your birthday. I want to talk to you everyday." He slurs his speech but Mary doesn't mind.

"I want to talk to you too." She concedes. The line goes silent for what seems like an eternity.

"Mary, I think we made a mistake." Her eyes close with his words. They've been here before. Every time one of them is drunk beyond censorship, one of them always says it. And it hurts like salt in a wound.

"We've been through this before. We can't keep living in the past. We both made choices."

"Maybe I made the wrong one." Tears fill her eyes as she hears his voice break.

"Maybe. But you're there and I'm here. This is what it is. You're my best friend, Matthew. And to me, that's better than nothing." She smiles half heartedly.

"You're my best friend too." She hears a car door slam in the background and Laura yell his name and demand he come home.

"Happy birthday, Mary."

The phone line goes silent and Mary cries.

* * *

Love it? Hate it? Let me know!


	2. Chapter 2

_Author's Note: Thank you all so much for the awesome feedback. This is a flashback chapter - I plan to go back and forth between present and past to show their history. Also, this is AU so I've obviously taken some liberties with character personality, ages, etc. Hope you like it - it's going to be a slow burn, so buckle up. :)_

* * *

_Four years prior._

Mary always dreaded coming home for these things. Her life at boarding school allowed her to blend in, among all the other girls who either didn't know who she was, or had titles and bank accounts much larger than hers and simply didn't care. Coming back was full of pomp and circumstance and she felt like she was there to be paraded around for the whole city to see. But, she understood her duty to Downton and wore her smile proudly as she walked into her childhood home.

"Mary!" Sybil yelled as she raced down the stairs, Edith walking behind her in not-so-quick pursuit. "You're home! We've been waiting." Mary hugged her in reply.

"My train was delayed." She looked up to see her parents rounding the corner from the study.

"There she is!" Her father hugged her while her mother kissed her cheek. "And just in time for dinner!"

The family reconvened ten minutes later in the dining room, Mary still dusty and wrinkled from two hours on a train and 30 minutes in the ordered car.

"So, tell us about school my darling." Cora asked as she passed the green beans to Edith. "How are your classes?"

"Fine." Mary answers flat. "Classes are fine, friends are fine, everything's fine."

"Have you thought anymore about university?" Robert added. Mary sighed, knowing where this was going. "I had lunch with Professor Murphy from Oxford last week. I told him to expect your decision sooner rather than later."

"I'm sure you did." Robert pointedly looked at her. Mary avoided his eyes. Every time she came home, she found herself stuck in a contentious conversation with her father about Oxford. He's an Oxford man and wanted her to follow in his collegiate footsteps. She wanted to travel, to study abroad, to see the world – simply not an option to her family.

"Have you chosen a dress for tomorrow night yet, Mary? O'Brien laid out quite a few lovely options for you to choose from. All handmade just for you." Cora quickly changed the subject, hoping to avoid another yelling match between the two most stubborn members of the family.

"I think I'll probably go with the black." Cora nodded in agreement.

"Mary, has your mother told you about our new neighbors?" Robert continued.

"We live on 300 acres. I don't know that we have neighbors." Sybil smirked at Mary's reply as she took a sip of her water.

"Nonetheless, a new family has moved into the old Winters estate. The Crawley family. They have a son your age, Matthew." Mary's eyes rolled as she sighed and looked at her mother, who waved her away, knowing exactly what her expression meant.

Another one of Papa's acquaintances with a semi-attractive, pseudo-wealthy son with a chip on his shoulder who she'd be forced to dance with and faux attraction, while their families contemplated the terms of their potential marriage.

"We'd like you to show him around, make him feel welcome." Robert hesitantly continued, knowing it would take an act of Congress for Mary to dutifully agree.

"What's the agreed upon dowry this time, Dad?" Mary bit back as she placed her napkin on the table and slid her chair from the table. "I'm going upstairs. It's been a long day."

* * *

Mary stood in the corner with a few girls from Downton she grew up with, surveying the room for the most suitable subject of distraction for the night. One by one, the families were announced as they entered. One by one, people Mary had known since she was a child said their hellos and indulged themselves in expensive champagne and the loud jazz band playing in the main room. If there was one thing she knew, it was that her mother could throw a party. She grabbed another glass of champagne while her father wasn't looking.

"The Crawley Family has arrived", Carson loudly announced, fighting with the music. Most of the time, no one paid attention to these announcements. But new blood was here, and everyone could smell it. Mary craned her head to see the newcomers. She saw him immediately, as if the room parted. He was dressed impeccably in black tie, his blondish hair perfectly set. He caught her eye and slightly smiled before Robert stepped in the sight line to introduce himself.

"My. Finally some fresh meat around here." Edith mumbled to the group. "And attractive, even." Edith turned to Mary. "Are you coming? You know we have to meet them."

"Yes, Edith. I know."

Mary began to make her way toward the center of the room.

* * *

He knew her before she knew him. When his parents oh-so-subtly mentioned that Mr. and Mrs. Grantham had a daughter around his age, he did his due diligence and looked her up online. He spotted her across the room before she even glanced his way and when their eyes met, he felt it all the way to his toes. He made a note of how pretty she was, even more so in person.

"Matthew, it is an absolute pleasure. Welcome to Downton." Robert warmly exclaimed, shaking Matthew's hand vigorously. "This is my wife, Cora." Matthew greeted Cora with a kiss on the cheek and a handshake. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see the swarm starting. He supposed that's what happened when you moved to a smaller town. Everyone wants to know everything.

"These are our daughters – Sybil, Edith and our oldest, Mary." Cora introduced each girl as Matthew nodded their way. "Mary goes to St. Andrews School in York." She continued.

"I see." He feebly added, as he kicked himself for not saying something wittier. Anything more charming.

"Matthew!" Matthew breathed a sigh of relief at the sound of his old friend, Tom Branson's, voice. Tom and Matthew went to school together in Liverpool, and Matthew was glad to have a familiar face at the occasion.

"Branson, my friend. Good to see you – it's been what? Three days since school let out for break?" They shook hands and patted each other on the shoulder.

"You say that like you haven't missed me." Tom smirked, winking at the Grantham girls. "I see you've met the lovely ladies of Downton."

"I have. Lovely indeed." Matthew replied as he smiled back, catching Mary's eyes.

"Good. Now that we've all exchanged pleasantries, let's have a drink." Tom began to lead Matthew away. "Pleasure as always ladies. Especially you, Sybil."

"She's 15, Tom." Mary hissed at him as they walked away.

* * *

"What's her story?" Matthew asked Tom as they sat at a table closest to the bar. Still technically too young to drink, no one asked questions at these kinds of parties. A perk of the upper class.

"Who? Mary?" Tom asked, following Matthews eye line to Mary, dancing with another party-goer. "Oldest daughter. Meant to inherit practically all of Downton when the time comes. Men would line up down the block to marry her, if she'd allow it."

"And she doesn't?" Matthew asked, continuing to watch.

"She's fairly…anti-establishment in that right, I suppose." Tom said with a chuckle. "I've never been all that close with her, and we've run in the same circles our whole lives. I've always found Sybil to be much more inviting." He adds, smiling and nodding in Sybil's direction.

"Isn't she a bit young for your blood?" Matthew replied, with a slight scoff.

"We're 17, not 40. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go dance."

* * *

Matthew leaned with his back against the bar as the party roared on around him. He'd been there for three hours and talked to almost everyone in the room. _Almost_ everyone. He turned to the bar to order another drink.

"Another on the rocks." He ordered the bartender, shaking the empty ice cubes in his glass. "Please."

"Whiskey already? It takes most people three or four of these soirees before they hit the hard stuff." He turned his head to see Mary, her eyes smiling as she leaned against the bar next to hm. He shifted his body to her.

"Well, I'm not one to turn down the good stuff when it's free." He smirked back, eliciting a small smile. "Matthew." He states, holding his hand out to her.

"I know. We met." She slightly turned her head and motioned to his glass. "How many of these have you had?" He laughed.

"We didn't meet formally." She met his eyes and extended her hand.

"Mary." Their hands held for a beat longer than appropriate and she let go. He didn't think he'd ever seen eyes so warm.

"Mary, would you like to dance?" He offered, standing up straight and loosening his jacket buttons. "I'm not much of a dancer but seeing Tom out there, I think I may shine by comparison."

Mary laughed and walked away from the bar before turning back to him.

"Maybe you will." He couldn't remember a moment where he felt so intrigued, so interested. So instantly attracted.

"Are you coming?" She asked, waiting for him to catch up. He extended his arm to her and they headed to the dance floor. Mary noticed her mother's slight smile as they walked past.


	3. Chapter 3

_Author's Note: Hi everyone - sorry it took me so long to update! This chapter continues to set the story of how Mary and Matthew met and fell in love - next chapter will take us back to present day. Enjoy!_

She'd never felt time stop before. As the music slowed, so did they, in slow, perfect circles across the dance floor. Dozens of couples on the floor and she couldn't see anyone else. She inhaled everything about him – the way he smelled like aftershave and clove, the way his hand sat on the small of her back, the way he learned into her with every turn.

As the song ended, he pulled back from her as everyone applauded the band. She forced herself not to frown as he pulled his hands from hers to join. As the band left the stage to take a break, he turned to her.

"Thank you for the dance, Lady Mary." He said, wistfully, as they left the floor.

"You're quite a good dancer. You didn't step on my feet once." She replied. "And you can just call me Mary. It's not 1919."

"Yes, but Lady Mary is more fun, isn't it?" He smirked.

"Matthew! There you are!" Matthew turned to his right to see his mother, Isobel, fast approaching.

"Here I am." He stated, smartly. "Mother, have you met Mary?" He presented Mary to her like they had known each other all their lives. Mary sweetly smiled at Isobel.

"Not officially. Hi Mary, it is a pleasure." Isobel smiled warmly. "Thank you for forcing my son to dance. Years of training and he barely ever dances." Mary raised her eyebrows as she tilted her head in his direction. He met her eyes with a smirk. He knew he'd been caught.

"Years of training. I never would have guessed." Mary teased, over Isobel's head.

"Matthew, it's getting late. We should be getting back. You have an early ride tomorrow." Isobel insisted, gently touching her son's arm.

"Right. Why don't you ask them to find your coat and I will meet you at the door?" Isobel nodded at the suggestion and headed toward the door. Matthew turned back to Mary.

"Looks like it's time to go." Mary nodded. "Thank you again for the dance. You salvaged an otherwise uneventful evening."

"You ride?" Mary continued, not wanting the conversation to end.

"I do. Not well, but yes. I do." He chuckled. "Your father invited me on tomorrow's hunt."

"You said the same thing about dancing and apparently you're nearly professional. I don't think I believe you." She teased.

"Well, then I'll let the mystery live on." He stepped closer to her, placing a hand on one arm and kissing her on the cheek. "Goodnight, Lady Mary."

She watched him through the window until his car left her sight.

* * *

The last guest had finally left and the house had gone quiet as Mary made a beeline straight to her father's study, where he sat finishing his cigar and his last drop of bourbon.

"Dad!" She yelled, startling Robert.

"Jesus, Mary. You scared me." He straightened his jacket, putting down his cigar. "What are you doing in here? I thought all you girls had already gone to bed."

"I want to go riding tomorrow." She insisted, hands crossed as she leaned against the arch of the room.

"Sorry, honey. No girls allowed." He chuckled.

"Why? You always let me come every other time."

"This is a man's ride. I want Matthew to get to know the other men of our circle. Male bonding is surprisingly not the same when my daughters are in attendance." She rolled her eyes. "Plus, it's a new trail and you haven't ridden in a while. I don't want to have to worry about you." He picked his cigar back up.

"Worry about me? Give me a break, Dad. You know I'm a better rider than any of those old men." She scoffed, challenging him.

"Why do you want to go so badly? Every other time you've been home you stay as far away from me as possible. This doesn't have anything to do with your dance partner tonight, does it?" He smiled. After a beat, she responded.

"You asked me to get to know him and make him feel welcome."

"I'm sure he feels welcomed, don't worry. Your mother and I were very accommodating to he and Isobel tonight." He stood up and walked over to her.

"Gentleman only tomorrow, honey." She clenched her jaw as he kissed her cheek goodnight. "We will be back at the stables around 4, if you happen to be there with Diamond." He called behind him. Mary smiled and headed upstairs to sleep.

* * *

Mary changed her riding outfit four times before she headed to the stables the next afternoon. She couldn't help but laugh at herself in the mirror by the fourth outfit, shaking her head, embarrassed at how smitten she was. She couldn't decide if it was because he was new, or somewhat mysterious, or had perfectly coifed hair or…oh, she didn't care. She hadn't stopped thinking about him since their dance ended the night before.

As she absent-mindedly brushed Diamond, she saw the two stable hands move toward the corral as she heard the gallop of a few horses get nearer and nearer. She quickly hopped on Diamond and went out the back of the barn and around. As she neared the group, she caught her dad's eye. He winked at her. She rode up next to Matthew, who was just dismounting his horse. He was wearing his traditional riding gear and was covered in mud.

"Did you all decide to detour and take a mud bath?" He looked up at her as he took off his helmet.

"I guess you could call it that – though I think most people just call it a good old fashioned tumble." He laughed at himself, looking at his boots.

"Are you alright?" She asked, as she tried to conceal her laughter.

"Oh, yes. Just my ego is a bit bruised." He smiled. "What are you doing here? Checking up on my abilities?"

"What makes you think I'm not just going for a ride?"

"I'm just teasing. I won't flatter myself to think your being here has anything to do with me." She straightened on her horse as he stepped away and towards the reins of his.

"Well, I should go clean up, I guess. I will see you soon, I'm sure." He smiled and nodded at her as he began to lead his horse to the stables.

"I'm sure." She agreed, watching him go, confused. "Wait."

He turned back to her at her insistence. He walked back toward her.'

"Would you like some tea and a snack before you go? Fuel for the road?" She offered.

"That's nice of you, but I'm in no shape to be inside right now." He replied, looking down at his soaked clothes. She sighed disappointedly. "But, raincheck?"

She smiled and watched him as he turned and headed home.


End file.
